BSV SW Rehden 9 (Nein) VfL Bückeburg 0

                                                                                               You've heard of a one horse town, right? Well in Rehden the horse had left. And it probably wasn't even a real horse. Just a pantomime horse. With fleas!

Rehden - one horse town

 Everything that is wrong with football and modern society in general was on display in Rehden. From the half finished club house, once again flaunting the rules, to the glaring health and safety issues around the ground, the extortionate entry prices, to the pretentiousness of the main stand, the attitude of the home fans, the, the, the......

Match day ticket

 I shall start with the entry prices. 7€ in itself is a bit steep at this level, considering the average is 6€, but to charge 9€ to sit is a fucking joke. 

I paid it, as it was the only cover in the ground and it had been pissing down on and off all day and would continue to do so during the game.

I do not know what it is like in the UK, as I haven't lived there for over 15 years but here in Germany, I have given them a number of nicknames one of which being "Arthur". This stands for Arthur job. The ability to suddenly stop a building project. This was the case with the clubhouse. As I wandered past, I peered in the window to see a building site with a few picnic tables set up. And then came the first health and safety issue.

Mind the gap! What gap?

That bloody gap!!

                                                                                     So I tried to ignore the deadly hazard in front of me and had a walk round the other side of the ground. Oh look, there seems to be a massive piece of metal fencing cunningly placed in the middle of the terracing. 

Random piece of metal in middle of terrace - tick!

 So on we go, round the back of the goal and to the main and only stand. And here the utter ostentatiousness of this disgusting bulls pizzle (love a Shakespeare insult) of a club.

Blue and gold!

 Here we enter the main/only stand. The one there are loads of photos on their website of, so you think "Cor, nice stand wonder what the rest of the ground is like?". Well, this is basically it. Seems as though the back two rows were an afterthought, and someone went down the local school and nicked those aerobic mats to put down, so the wonderful residents of Rehden, all 1,766 of them don't get splinters in their derrier's.

I was in Block B. This I knew as someone had gone to the trouble of laminating an A4 piece of paper and sticking it on the back of the stand.

Block B everyone. But where was Block A?

The sides of the stand, on the stairs leading down to the front were granite. That's granite! And yet they can't afford a decent sign to put on their marvellous stand. Oh, by the way, if you wondering about Block A, forget it, there wasn't one. Either that or the Blu-Tak holding on the sign had perished (Alan Partridge word of the day).

The seats. Quite obviously at one time orange, but oh no, let's spray them metallic blue. The last time I saw a colour like that, it was on a Ford Capri Ghia, with fluffy dice hanging off the mirror and Derek and Sharon on the windscreen, hurtling down Atlanta Boulevard in Romford (Yes, there really is such a road).

"Ford Capri orange, and Volkswagen yellow and gold" - Carter USM

 With all the expense of the new clubhouse (not finished), the stand (not sure if finished), money must have been tight and they couldn't afford a couple of tables for outside the clubhouse. So they improvised.

Tyre/Traffic sign table combo - Tick

Onto the main event of the evening, and the PA announcer grabbed his microphone and sauntered onto the pitch. I shall call him Mr. Wikipedia as he began to regale us with facts and figures about the church in Bückeburg, and the palace, all wonderful things but I just wanted to hear the team line ups. I did learn that Bückeburg has more female residents than males, so it wasn't all bad news. Mr. Wikipedia had obvioulsy missed out on his true profession as a stand up comedian.

As the game got underway, and there was a break in play, he gets on his mic again and announces "If you clap your hands, they will keep warm". I was dreading the next throw in almost anticipating him, standing up with his cordless mic, and saying "C,mon y'all, put your motherfucking hands in the air. Make some noise, Rehden". But thankfully he gave up after the hand comments.

It was an absolute honour to be sat near the great Karl Pilkington

As the first half got underway I noticed a man on the same row as I, staring intensivley at me. Now, I know I am a gay icon, but it was unsettling. So I looked around to see if The Cambodian Midget Fighting League had suddenly started to perform a scene from Eastenders in the form of modern dance, but there was just me there. So I stared back. He kept staring at me. I called him a prick, and he suddenly looked away.

Stary man

 At half time I walked to the opposite end of the stand, towards where Bückeburg were shooting. It was pissing down with rain and an elderly gentleman was coming towards me. To let him pass, I stepped aside, at the front of the stand, into to pouring rain. Not so much as a thank you. So I said "You are most welcome", as sarcastially as I could. Note, apart from the "Prick" incident with "Stary Man", all these converstations are in German.

I took up residence at the back of the stand, when a Harold Shipman lookalike appeared before me. "That's my seat", he barked. I suddeny had visions of turning into Oz, in that episode of Auf Wiedersehen Pet, where he lectures the old tosspot on "You bring that seat with you to the match, every game do you? Your name's on it is it?". But I was really not in the mood, so I moved a couple of seats to my left. "Oh no, you'll have to move from there as well", said Shipman. 

"That seat is taken"

 So I grabbed my rucksack and sat down the front. Only for one of the Rehden WAGS, a quite ridiculous looking woman, to start chatting to her mate. In a tone so high, that dogs were starting to come from neighbouring gardens (Ok, there wasn't any, the whole ground was in the middle of bloody nowhere, but for the sake of comedy please bear with me). I thought rather than risk the chance of tinitus, or get wet I would choose the latter, and went and stood behind the goal.

Try sitting next to that

So I went and stood behind the goal for the remainder of the second half. Luckily the rain held off.

Oh yeah, we lost 0-9. But at half time, 0-3 down and up to the "Beaker" episode I was really beyond caring and could just about manage a shake of the head after Rehden racked up the goals. Sorry if you were expecting in depth match analysis, but I needed a good old rant about something. Quite the most disgusting people I have had the misfortune to meet.

Ratings
Distance to ground :     72,5km
Friendliness       :      -1 - Utter tossers!
Clubhouse          :  -1 - Not even built 
Seats              :  Yes - One main stand
Behind goals       :  Terracing behind one goal
Cover              :  Yes - One main stand
Floodlights        :  Yes
Barrier            :  Metal barrier
Beer               :  Don't know, don't care, hope it chokes them

Bratwurst          :  See above
Entrance fee       :  7€ standing, 9€ seats
Programme          :  No
Weather            :  5/10
Ground             :  5/10
Home fans          :  -1 - Words fail me!