A Walk in the Woods

TuS Heeslingen 2 VfL Bückeburg 1    

Hmmmm! How do I start this one? First of all, there was an incident on the coach on the way home. May I just say, I don't have to prove myself to anybody who reads this. I am who I am, you either choose to like me or not, believe me, I won't lose any sleep over it. And the fact that I have been following Bückeburg for two seasons home and away, and someone hasn't seen me before, says more about that individual than me. Rant over!

Twas'a beautiful sunny day, and our last away game of the season at Heeslingen, who were in 7th place in the league.

As it was the last game, I went with the players/supporters coach again. 

We finally arrive and it is as if someone has cut out a huge square of a pine forest and plonked a football ground in the middle.

Here it is!

Had my usual walk around the ground which was lovely. The main stand is very nice, and there are enough refreshment kiosks.

In blazing sunshine and in red kit today (awful) we kicked off. Heeslingen were the better team in the first half, but didn't really impress me much. 

Match day programme and ticket

Heeslingen had a couple of chances but I was happy with a 0-0 at halftime.

Main stand

In the 51st minute, a corner from our right, and Hessel glances a header in. This seemed to wake us up and we started playing some tasty football. Pascal Könemann tried an audacious lob, Bastian Könemann and Bubi Bremer flash shots just wide.

It was no surprise when in the 87th minute, a free kick from Jonas Abram eludes everyone in the area, except Bubi Bremer who turned and shot into the net for his 12th of the season.

However, straight from the kick off, Heeslingen score again, to ruin our hopes of a well deserved point.

We should have had a couple of penalties for handball in their area, the second being a stone wall pen.

Niko Werner saw red in the 90th minute, silly reaction but entirely understandable as Heeslingen were committing niggly fouls all afternoon.

Clubhouse

One of the lovely things about the day was seeing a deer, in the ground. He skipped behind the main stand.

Come on Bückeburg

Ratings

Friendliness:       8

Clubhouse:          6

Seats:              Yes

Behind goals:       Forest

Cover:              Main stand

Floodlights:        No

Barrier:            Metal fence

Bratwurst:          2€ - 7/10

Beer:               2€ - Krombacher

Entrance fee:       6€

Programme:          Free with entry 3/10

Weather:            9

Ground:             8

Home fans:          3                                                                                                       

No Sleep till Hildesheim

                                                                                

VfV Borussia Hildesheim 06 4 VfL Bückeburg 0

Having beaten Emden 3-2 the previous Friday we went into this game on a bit of a high. It was after this game that I stayed for a "few" drinks with a couple of the players. The lovely thing about alchohol is that it loosens lips, so I found out various things about various players and members of the coaching staff. 

I have learnt that Tim  Buchwald has a nickname which shall not be published here.

I have also learnt that Tobias Markowski sings "Morning has broken" at a VERY loud volume, repeatedly, gets drunk and loses his jacket.

And I saw a players naked arse (who shall remain nameless) wobbling a few metres away. I actually marked it a 7 out of 10 in the pub later.

Tobias "Cat" Stevens

A bit of added spice before a ball was kicked, was the Hildesheim manager Andreas Golombek spouting some guff in the local press, calling us "thugs" and that the game wasn't important. For the record, we beat them 1-0 at our place. Sour grapes Andreas? Either way comments like that have no place in the press.

Andreas Golombek

A penis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hildesheim is only about an hour and 10 minutes away, and I was at the ground early as usual. Bought my ticket and had a wander around the ground.

Match day programme and ticket

 I really can't talk about the game as events within the ground overtook what was happening on the pitch.

I decided I would buy a ticket in the stand, as I wasn't sure whether it would rain or not. 

Main stand

I parted with my 8€ and found a seat in the wooden, that's wooden stand. The first thing that struck me was the state of the seats.

8€ gets you this...

The second thing I noticed was the ammount of fag ends strewn across the floor. No thanks.....

A coffee, methinks! That'll go down nice! So I entered the "VIP" lounge wanting to make my purchase.

VIP area my arse!

As I entered the wonderful VIP area, which had the grand total of fuck all, in there, the woman behind the counter looked at me as If I just just anally entered her cat! Not a good start.

I ordered a coffee. The evil titwitch behind the counter ignored me, but a troll of a man said "You're not allowed in here". Thinking he was joking I said, "Yes I am, I'm important".

"No you're not", he said. "Well, my wife thinks I am",  I retorted

 

"No, you're not", said the oaf! I lost my temper. "Who the fuck are you to tell me what I am or not, you fool?" The man didn't answer. I decided I was not going to spend another cent in this god forsaken place. And oh yeah, VIP area? With paper plates and plastic cups, really classy! Nobs!!

The game gets underway and everytime one of our players breathes near a Penisheim player, the crowd start moaning. It was pathetic. I say crowd, there were very little of them. 

We go 0-2 down and there is a foul by Nils Rinne. It happens. No malice intended. But this shrivelled old mushroom behind me on the terracing took offence. "He kicked him in the stomach", she whined. "Ooooh", said I, sarcastically. "Yes", she said as if to scold me. I couldn't help but laugh in her face.

At halftime I walk to the other side of the pitch, through the main stand. I was stared at, but upon inspecting the people, I thought I was in the alien bar in Star Wars. Never before have I seen such a collection of misfits and freaks.

Martin Prange went off injured in the 23rd minute, to be replaced by Hauke Voss and at the end of the game, Niko Werner posted a picture of his swollen ankle in Facebook. Looks like he has a space hopper attached to it.

Get well soon, Terror

 Oh yeah we lost 0-4 in the end. But it was another game where the actions of a few individuals spoilt my day. Hildesheim will play us next season, and I shall not welcome them at all. Maybe I should set up my own VIP lounge and sell them dog shit caked in breadcrumbs. 

In other news

Orient actually win at home. Ok, last game of the season against the bottom club, but they all count. Lovely to see some of the youngsters given a chance as Moses Odubajo scored goal of the season on his debut.

Wonder strike from Moses

Also Billy Lobjoit and Ally Omafemi came on for their senior debuts. A lot of dead wood has to be shifted in the summer. My guess is we will see a completely new team come August 18th.

Also Adam Yauch, alias MCA from the Beastie Boys died of cancer aged 48. 

Ratings

Friendliness:       4

Clubhouse:          8

Seats:              Yes

Behind goals:       Terracing

Cover:              Main stand

Floodlights:        No

Barrier:            Metal fence

Bratwurst:          2€ - Not sampled

Beer:               Einbecher - Not sampled

Entrance fee:       8€ seats

Programme:          Free

Weather:            5

Ground:             4

Home fans:          3

        

 

 

 

                                          SV Holtenhausen Biene 1 VfL Bückeburg 2               



Off we go again. Another away day, another jaunt through the villages and towns of Northern Germany.

For this game we travelled to the town of Lingen, where the two villages of Holthausen and Biene decided in 1931 to form a football team. Last season, as did we, they won their league, but have had a good season reaching 7th place.

An aside to this drivel, for the non German speakers amongst you: Biene is the German word for bee. Don't worry, there will be absolutely no reference or silly puns to do with bees for the rest of this blog.

Off we go

 So I was buzzing for this trip. But I shouldn't have been as on paper we were on a hiding to nothing. Travelling with only 13 players, and two of them were co-trainer Martin Prange, out a year injured, and reserve keeper Tobias Markowski, also not 100% fit.

As regular readers will know, when I go to away games, I set Emily (my sat nav) to avoid major roads, thus having a lovely drive across country, seeing places I would never normally see if I drove on the motorways. And so it was on this sunny Sunday. Everything was going well, until I reached the village of Biene.

Emily sent me into a new housing estate, and couldn't find her way out again. I was going round in circles and flapping about a bit. I took the decision to ignore her and drive back onto the main road.

Twas' a good decision as I ended up just behind the team bus and followed them in, through potato fields, until we finally arrived at the 1,800 capacity Stadion an Biener Busch.

The entrance

 I was in, and did my usual tour of the ground. Cute, with a main stand which was erected (snigger) in 2000.

The main stand

 Inside the ground, it was a hive of activity so had a chat with manager Timo Nottebrock, who kindly gave me his season ticket for the rest of the season. Such a lovely  gesture to which I am very grateful for.

I took my seat and awaited the match.

Match day programme and ticket

 For the first few minutes I couldn't concentrate on the game, as a fascinating creature appeared to my left, just the other side of the stand. I shall call her Zelda, as she was one of those 45+ women, desperately trying to clutch on to her youth, but too many late nights and cigarettes means her face has shrivelled to resemble a walnut. She needed a good iron!

Come on you Bees

Zelda thought she would look the part, by opening a bottle of pink champagne and quoffing it. Champage...at non league football. *Shakes head* Some people!


The hailstones came down and Zelda looked even more dicky arse with a pink umbrella, balancing a handbag, plastic beaker of champers, and a fag. Actually, not a bad trick, maybe she should audition for Holthausen's Got Talent.

"It's a no from me"

The game! Conditions were not the best as we had a torrential downpour just as the game started, but Bückeburg were on a level par with Holthausen. Playing some inventive football, always looking to get foward, but the Holthausen defence were also well equipped to deal with any threat. In the 42nd minute, we lost the ball in the Holthausen half, and they countered, and scored, 1-0. 

My spot for the second half

The second half and we absolutely dominated the home team. It was one way traffic. In the 53rd minute, Niko Rüffer passed to the tireless Moritz Heine, who squares it for Bastian Könemann for a 14 yard equalisor. It was no more than we deserved and I leapt for joy. People in Lima complained of a mild earthquake.


It was raining, but I didn't mind as I knew we would win. 81st minute and Martin Prange comes on. Another Bückeburg attack, Niko Werner is pushed in the area, penalty. Surprisingly it wasn't the skipper who took the kick, but Prange, and he spanked it straight down the middle, with his first touch of the game.


As the ref indicated two minutes of injury time, Tobias Markowski came on up front for a 30 second cameo. In that 30 seconds he showed more goal threat than Fernando Torres.

Tobias Markowski

So a 2-1 victory and thouroughly deserved. Hard to pick out a man of the match as everyone played exceptionally well, but I'm going to. Nils Rinne was a colossus for us, breaking up play, spreading the ball about. 


In other news, and there is a lot of it:


After my redundancy I have decided to start my own company, as a music promotor. Exciting times ahead. Will keep you posted.


Romford and Gidea Park RFC won their league, Romford Raiders did the same, but lost the play off finals to Chelmsford yesterday. Still, South East Trophy winners and league champions is a fantastic achievement.

Romford Football Club beat AFC Sudbury 1-0 in their final home league fixture of the season, Jamie Dicks with the solitary goal.

Leyton Orient are doing their best to get relegated, throwing a 2-0 home lead away v Yeovil Town on Saturday. 

We had a pair of ducks nesting and laid an egg in our garden. Decided to call them Gavin and Stacey. But now they have gone and so has the egg. Probably eaten by a predator.

Quack, Quack!

 Ratings

 Friendliness:          10/10
 Clubhouse:             8
 Seats:                 Yes
 Behind goals:          One area of hard standing
 Cover:                 One stand
 Floodlights:           Yes
 Barrier:               Metal fence
 Bratwurst:             €1.70 - 8/10
 Beer:                  €1.50 Veltins, not sampled 
 Entrance fee:          €7
 Programme:             Free
 Weather:               4
 Ground:                8
 Home fans:             4

RSV Göttingen 0 VfL Bückeburg 1

                                                                              


Göttingen! At last. A chance to put a few faces to names. Another place I had no idea about until I returned home and consulted Wikipedia.

Göttingen is a universtity town and one of the traditions for new graduates is to climb up and kiss a statue called Gänseliesel (The Goose Girl). This makes her the most kissed girl in the world. She obviously has never been to Romford on a Friday night.

Bit of an old slapper!

 

 

Göttingen is also twinned with Cheltenham and erm....Hackney! 

As usual, I drove overland, journey taking roughly 3 hours. But taking in lots of quaint villages. 

Upon entering the ground, someone asked if they could look in my rucksack. "Whatever turns you on", I said. Upon the completion of the check, I was waved on my way. "What about the Uzi in my pocket?", I asked. The lady took it with great humour and replied "I'll pretend I haven't seen it". Good start.


The stadium (and it really is) is called Jahnstadion. Another one. How many are in Germany? Still, at least they haven't sold out and named it the Kwik-Fit Autoglass Arena, or some other poxy sponsorship bollocks.

Match day ticket and programme

Had my usual pootle around the ground. With a 17,000 capacity, and an attendance today of 395, it was a bit like peas rattling around in Daniela Katzenberger's head (Google her, kids. A German Jade Goody).


At last I met Onkel Günther, whose excellent blog is linked on here. I also met Hardy, a Bristol Rovers fan, Phillip from The Cider Boyz, Ingo, and a lot of others whose names I ashamedly can not remember. Fantastic set of fans, and already looking forward to next seasons fixture, when I shall put on clean underpants and have a few scoops with the lads.

Main stand

The game gets underway, and the RSV fans have a great array of songs, and surely the only anti basketball song in the world of football.

Not welcome in the Jahnstadion

The game gets underway and sure enough, the Ciderboyz produce cans of Strongbow (other cider brands are available).


Bückeburg are playing well, even carving out a double chance after 15 minutes. Göttingen are wasteful, and to be honest, not much of a threat, despite having the top scorer in the league.


Half time and it was 0-0, I was more than happy.

Large cardboard heart, covered in foil - Tick!

Second half, and after 67 minutes, a red card for a Göttingen player. I honestly did not see the incident. With a man advantage I really fancied we could hold on for a draw. But five minutes from the end, Fritsche passes into the box, and Bastian Könnemann shoots the ball over the line. It trickled into the net and I tried to suppress my celebration.

Not a typing error

So we won. The ref was a wee bit too fussy, and ok, maybe Göttingen had an off day, but the win was deserved. It would be harsh to single out a single player for praise, as all the lads put in a great shift. 


I get home to the news that Raiders beat Bristol 13-2 with three players getting hatricks. Only 3 wins needed for the title.

The rest of my teams lost, Romford, Orient and Hannover. So I shall avoid mentioning it. Oops....too late. 


All in all a pleasant Sunday, made some mates, won away and chatted to a deer I named Denzil.

Denzil

 

 RATINGS
Friendliness:     8/10
Clubhouse:        Not really. A sort of pub type thing, but very sterile
Seats:            Yes, loads
Behind goals:     Terracing behind both
Cover:            Main stand
Floodlights:      No
Barrier:          None, but caging behind goals
Beer:             Göttinger Edel Pils, Warsteiner (Not sampled)
Bratwurst:        €2 - 8/10
Entrance fee:     €6
Programme:        50c
Weather:          6/10
Ground:           4/10
Home fans:        0/10 (Only joking lads)- 10/10 

BV Cloppenburg 6 VfL Bückeburg 0

Football again at last! And today it was off to Cloppenburg. Having done my research before the game, I knew that Cloppenburg was famous for....erm......nothing! Oh....some model lives there. That's about it really

Going into the game, Cloppenburg were in 2nd place in the league, and our two recognised strikers, Bremer and Fritsche were injured. It didn't bode well.

On the way to Cloppenburg, I drove across country, taking in a couple of non-league grounds along the way. Indeed, one of them was so picturesque I stopped for longer than I should. In a woodland copse, the sun beating down, the sounds of birds singing, a woodpecker hammering at the tree, and distant toll of a church bell, I closed my eyes and was suddenly in a Rupert Brooke poem.

I arrived at just after 12 in Cloppenburg. The team bus actually beat me by about 10 minutes, despite me leaving 30 minutes earlier. 


I was at the Time Parter Arena. Er....yeah, not exactly an arena is it Cloppenburg? 


The ground is basically a cage, with a pitch in the middle. Every twist and turn you find yourself banging into a piece of metal. I was expecting Richard O' Brien to appear any minute to lead me off into some darkened room.

Where are you Richard?

I bought a ticket for the seats, which was quite pleasant, but all too sterile for my liking. There was even a VIP lounge, where the lucky ones had to show a wrist band to get in!

A warm welcome

And now ladies and gentleman, allow me to morph into Victor Meldrew for a minute and have a good old whine.

"I don't believe it"

If you see that you have to get past someone, so that person has to stand up, at least say thank you. If you see that this person has to do it everytime that your snotty kid goes past, at an average of once every 3 minutes, do something about it. If you see that your child is kicking the back of the seats, so that EVERYONE is turning around and tutting, DEAL WITH IT! In the name of all things holy, get some parenting skills. Rant over!

Health and Safety issue here

We were always on a hiding to nothing, with an emergency first 11 out there, but battled superbly all over the pitch, and found ourselves 0-2 down at half time. 

For the second half, I decided to stand behind the goal, the sun was out, and I couldn't stand the tits in the seats around me.

Where I stood for the second half

We conceded another 4 goals, so lost 0-6. But I was far from upset. The team battled until the final whistle, really worked for each other. We can not get relegated due to the bankrupty of Nordhorn and Emden, but I still think even without their points deduction we could survive this league.

Just a note on the clown that writes the reports for the local paper. Go back to journalism school. He/She quoted the attendance of being "nearly 700". It wasnt! It was 594, so not even 600. Also, the second BVC goal came from an attack down our right flank, not the left. The ground is not called the "Cloppenburg Stadion".

On Saturday, Romford lost 2-3 away at league leader Leiston. Found ourselves 0-3 down at half time, but two goals from Kurt Smith nearly snatched a draw.

Kurt Smith, 2 goals for Boro

The Raiders lost 2-3 in Cardiff, we only need to win another 6 games for the league title, but have had a bit of a slump of late! David Oliver was man of the match in the Welsh capital.

David Oliver, man of the match

In Bury, Orient gained a 1-1, with new skipper Matt Spring scoring for the O's!

New skipper, Matt Spring

Finally, a big congratulations to Romford skipper, and all time appearance holder, Paul Clayton on the birth of his daughter.

 RATINGS

Friendliness:     - 6/10

Clubhouse:        - There was one, but it was away from the ground

Seats:            - 1080 in the main stand. Overall capacity is 5001

Behind goals:     - Terracing behind both, one is for away fans

Cover:            - Main stand only

Floodlights:      - Yes

Barrier:          - Metal cage

Beer:             - Krombacher €2 (not sampled)

Bratwurst:        - €2 1/10 (Cold, wobbly, and only mustard as a  condiment option 

Entrance fee:     - €10 seats, €6 standing

Programme:        - Sort of! A brochure of the whole sport club

Weather:          - 7/10

Ground:           - 6/10

Home fans:        - 4/10