Tweet Tweet

Ah Twitter. With all your rules and etiquette. Where would we be without you? Well, quite happy really.

Like everything, Twitter has peaks and troughs. When you first join, it is a thrill if someone Re-Tweets you, or someone "famous" actually replies. However there are people that beg for a Z lister to Re-Tweet them, as if their acceptance into some sort of elite Twitter club would be complete.

  

 As Twitter is a world unto itself, I have decided to split the various personas into differing categories. All of these I have had the mis fortune to interact with at some stage of my Twitter "career".

Number 1 - The Babbler

I class myself as one of these. I know for a fact that out of my 280 odd followers, maybe 1 or 2 will actually have a clue what I am on about. And the chances of them being on Twitter and reading my drivel at that particular time are slim indeed (unlike my waistline). One chap I follow, let's just call him Gavin, does this a lot. He has 94 followers but like me, don't think he cares. And I actually love his nonsensical warblings about various bus journies in the Greater London area. 

Number 2 - The "I follow back" er

And? You may follow back, but with your 2000 other followers, will you have time to interact? Or are you just out to get as many followers as you believe it is some sort of kudos, the more followers one has on Twitter, the more popular I am in my insecure little world.

 Number 3 - The Footballer

*sighs....shakes head* I hate stereotyping. But lads, and it is just the lads, you don't make it any easier for yourselves do you? Mind you, if it wasn't for the inane shite that certain footballers spout, I would never know what "Tekkers" or "Dench" mean. Actually, those two words have vastly improved my life (can you detect the sarcasm?). I follow a few professional footballers and a few Romford footballers. The fact that the Boro lads are heroes of mine escapes them. I would much rather Paul Clayton reply to me,then Pele, that is how my blinkered world works. The fact that Pele is not on Twitter is neither here nor there.

  A lot of footballers have been in trouble using Twitter, Messrs Ferdinand, Barton to name but two.

  But do they all have to go to Nandos? Is there no other eating establishment on God's earth? And why do they listen to such shit music? I eagerly await a Tweet from a footballer along the lines of "Coming back from the Theatre, lovely night out, great meal in a restuarant with waiters and wine and shit, now listening to Mega City Four on the iPod, then when I get home going to search the internet for geeky stuff so that Romford Reject can be happy, oh, this is way more than 144 characters, but sod it, it's his fantasy anyway, hold on, why is he talking about himself in the 3rd person?"

   I digress!

Nile Ranger - from the Romford Youth Team to the Premier League

  

Number 4 - The Hashtagger

We all use them. But some people just take it a step too far. When the hashtags outweigh the original content of the Tweet it is time to address the balance. Sample Tweet would be "On the bus #tfl #busesarebig #cominghome #imanobjockey #doesanyoneactuallyreadthesehastags #hashtag"

Number 5 - The Re-Tweeter

You must have seen them. They congratulate a "celebrity" and then at the end ask "RT?". I don't mind if someone in Halifax has lost their cat (other Yorkshire towns are available) and ask people, or obviously the charity cases, however it smacks of desperation to constantly ask people in the public eye to Re-Tweet their banal offering. 

Number 6 - The Stalker

I suffer with this a lot. People, for whatever reason, decide to follow you. Fair enough, thanks for that. So what I do, is have a little look at their profile, and previous Tweets and decide if I actually want them to follow me. Let's face it, "Busty Linda" who "loves to show her body" is not really interested in following me to learn about non-league football or lyrics from obscure indie bands. So you can weed out the fakes and the busineses, or the budding musicians with 4,269 followers. 

   Afer completing this vetting process I leave it. I used to automatically follow back, only to find out that they would be complete Twagheads (Copywright Doug H). So now what I do is just wait. Wait and see if they actually want to interact with me. I mean, that is the whole point of "Social Networking" isn't it? The clue is in the title.

 Depending on the intelligence, or patience of the protaganist, they then unfollow me. Now, I couldn't give a flying fuck, they are not friends of mine, never will be, so I never ask why they unfollowed. I can only assume that because I never followed them, they got a bit of a cob on and threw their toys out of the pram.

 This has been happening a lot lately. The only thing I do not like is that they can still see my rapier like wit and wisdom, when someone Re-Tweets me. I don't want them to. I would like to say "No, you've had your chance, the window of opportunity is firmly shut".

 Number 7 - The Picture Poster

The latest craze is these fey cartoon pictures with 1930's overtones. Some can be quite amusing. But for The Picture Poster, oh no, let us post somehing in EVERY Tweet. You will see a Tweet like "Monday again" with a link to a picture. Before I open it, I just know it will be a photo of a cat in an amusing stance, with some sickly sweet comment on it. Seriously...you set up a Twitter account to show us THAT? I bet you must have gone on a long mental journey for that one.

Number 8 - The Twitter Personality

I used to follow one such lady. A person who is genuinely funny, but then as their followers increase, becomes ensconced in revelling in their new found fame and actually creating a whole new persona. This young lady in question became repetitive and boring, constantly posting pictures of herself reminding us that, yes, she really is 35 and she really does have two kids. Then her degrees. She had two degrees. Well done, you. I have one...but I don't believe I have ever mentioned it. Certainly not to brag! In the end, you kinda knew the content of the Tweet before you read it. Sorry Jennifer, but enough was enough!

Number 9 - The Sports Geek

These people fascinate me. They know everything about every sport and can quote winners, runners up, semi-finalists, inside leg measurements. I have trouble concentrating on the couple of sports I like. I follow one such person. I shall use the alias of Mr Smith *giggles*. I have actually used him as a human Wikipedia on occasions. 

 

  Number 10 - The Parody Account

I suppose the latest one is The Swansea Ballboy. We've had Anfield Cat as well. Some of the footballing ones are genius. I must admit though I don't follow any of them. If there is something amusing, I'm sure someone else will Re-Tweet it.

And that concludes my blog for today. I would just like to take the time and opportunity to say that I am exactly the same in real life as I am on Twitter. I do over react at silly things a lot. But then my moods only last a few minutes. I do not tolerate many "isms", Racism, Sexism, homoism, hold on....that's wrong isn't it?

If I block someone on Twitter, it means I want nothing to do with you in real life, so don't be introducing yourself to me and holding out your hand when we do meet, as was the case with a certain individual once. I don't think he appreciated my curt reposte to him. "Yeah but that's not real life". Very true...but try to treat people on Social Networking sites how you would in real life. There is an old Twitter adage that goes something like "If you wouldn't want your mother reading it, don't Tweet it". And on that note, I bid you adieu.